..think analytically about society... question the way things are... consider how things could be different. Such thinking involves an active, not a passive, relationship to the world. It requires confidence that your thoughts are worth persuing and that you can make a difference. And it demands looking beyond how to make do and into how to make "making do" different - how to change the structures that control our lives.
~Charlotte Bunch
That's just a little bit of my reading for my feminism political theory class. I feel that it is going to be fantastic.
I have never thought about the wording of having an active relationship to the world, but I love that phrase. I like to think that I do a decent job of doing that, but now that I have a tangible way to say it, I can encourage myself to have a more active relationship to the world every day. This summer left me a bit paralyzed at times... and for some reason, some days I did not even care to have a relationship with the world around me... much less an active one. I just didn't appreciate where I was and that God put me there for a reason. While I was forced to sit down and examine myself, which ultimately is obviously a good and necessary thing, I hated it as it was going on.
These past few weeks have been crazy, and I have been loving it. I need to figure out how to have an "active relationship" to the world even without that constant movement.
I also need an international experience... immediately. I'm feeling a little more than stagnant having been in Chapel Hill for three full years (summers too yall... seriously). I love this place, but I have to get out of here if I'm going to learn more about myself and my relationships to people and the Lord. And if I'm going to learn more about how to love more fully, every single day.
Megan will flip because of my recent (haha 2 day stretch) blogging consistency.
Monday, August 28, 2006
would you lie with me and just forget the world
All of the responsibility I have on Mondays thus far is a dance class.
That's seriously it... and it is absolutely fabulous. This Monday I have a little bit more going on, just because of papers and such, but still... I'm feeling fabulous.
WOW is over. That rocks my world.
all is well
That's seriously it... and it is absolutely fabulous. This Monday I have a little bit more going on, just because of papers and such, but still... I'm feeling fabulous.
WOW is over. That rocks my world.
all is well
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Don't you know, things will change
Carrie's bachelorette party.
The first time I've actually hung out with my sister while she was drunk. That part was quite entertaining. What was not very fun was her getting upset, me getting pulled by a couple cops on the way back (who ended up being super nice), and realizing that friends will disappoint you at all stages of life.
To make a long story short, her friends mostly didn't make the event very special for her. Basically it seemed more like we were all going out than we were going out specifically to celebrate Carrie.
While I hate that the night ended up being a small disaster as a result of selfishness on the part of some of her friends, it ended up bringing Carrie and I closer together than before. And for that I'm actually thankful. We ended up leaving Saturday night to drive back to Chapel Hill (at 4am... got here around 7am). Carrie and I haven't been alone for that long in a while...
She's getting married. She doesn't think it's that big of a deal, but it's huge! Granted, it will be more huge when she starts to have kids and things... but Carrie and I won't really be alone much ever again. Mom and I really can't just run to Charlotte to spend the night with her... because there will be a boy spending every night with her. In six weeks our lives will change drastically forever. That's craziness!
This whole wedding planning stuff is happening much differently that I anticipated when we were little kids. I'm not able to help out as much because I'm here and my work schedule has been crazy. Plus, since Carrie is pretty casual about all of this... there's not much to plan. I mean, it's on the beach, so there are virtually no decorations... not even many flowers.
I just can't wait to be standing there in the getting-ready room alone with her on that day. I get to stand beside her when she makes one of the biggest moves of her life... and I'm excited.
The first time I've actually hung out with my sister while she was drunk. That part was quite entertaining. What was not very fun was her getting upset, me getting pulled by a couple cops on the way back (who ended up being super nice), and realizing that friends will disappoint you at all stages of life.
To make a long story short, her friends mostly didn't make the event very special for her. Basically it seemed more like we were all going out than we were going out specifically to celebrate Carrie.
While I hate that the night ended up being a small disaster as a result of selfishness on the part of some of her friends, it ended up bringing Carrie and I closer together than before. And for that I'm actually thankful. We ended up leaving Saturday night to drive back to Chapel Hill (at 4am... got here around 7am). Carrie and I haven't been alone for that long in a while...
She's getting married. She doesn't think it's that big of a deal, but it's huge! Granted, it will be more huge when she starts to have kids and things... but Carrie and I won't really be alone much ever again. Mom and I really can't just run to Charlotte to spend the night with her... because there will be a boy spending every night with her. In six weeks our lives will change drastically forever. That's craziness!
This whole wedding planning stuff is happening much differently that I anticipated when we were little kids. I'm not able to help out as much because I'm here and my work schedule has been crazy. Plus, since Carrie is pretty casual about all of this... there's not much to plan. I mean, it's on the beach, so there are virtually no decorations... not even many flowers.
I just can't wait to be standing there in the getting-ready room alone with her on that day. I get to stand beside her when she makes one of the biggest moves of her life... and I'm excited.
Friday, August 11, 2006
You don't want to see my tears, so why are you still standing here just watching me drown?
I'm slightly obsessed with The Wreckers right now... hence the title.
I think a lot.
Most of what I will remember about this summer will be what was going on in my head. I've had a lot more time to myself than usual, and as a result I've changed a fair amount. I realized today that that change cannot really be quantified. I can't pin down any exact memorable moment or remember how exactly all of this happened. What I do know is that I'm a different person than I was in May.
I've realized some of the ugly things about myself. I've always thought that loving every person fully is a pretty sure way to fulfilling God's will. That can be exhausting. It can be beautiful. And I definitely have not even attempted to do it with some people this summer. While God's will is very complex, and it cannot necessarily be reduced to just love, love definitely plays a powerful role.
I do a much better job of loving people who are different from me than loving people who are like me. This seems contradictory to what normally happens, but this is how it is with me. I find is so easy to overlook the faults of those who are drastically different from me in any way, whether through their appearance, sexual orientation, age, religion, etc. I have recognized this as a definite gift, and I truly feel alive when I spend my time loving these people fully.
But I have a very hard time attributing that same grace and love to those close to me that are similar to me. I recognize that everyone is extremely unique, and that it's hard to quantify exactly what I mean by people that are "similar" to me... but in my head I know exactly the groups that I am talking about. It's not that I blatantly choose not to love them, because that would go against my entire life philosophy... haha... but this summer I've really realized how much I suck at it. Admitting this is a step in the process of learning how to love these people fully as well, but I haven't been pushing myself past that step.
This summer has been slow, yet it feels really weird that it's almost over. Being essentially single for three months has made this process of self-realization even more inevitable. For that, I am thankful in some ways. I know a lot more about my issues, and what I need to work on (even if I'm not ready to work on them yet). I also know a lot more about the gifts that God has given me, and how to use those more effectively. I've never really seen the value of spending time by myself or specifically alone because I am so energized by people. I've always thought a lot, a whole lot actually, but mostly about others' situations, and how I can be more effective in their lives. This summer I've thought more about myself, and how I can be a more effective person over all. There is great value in spending time doing this, and that is something that I've slowly learned. I still would rather be debriefing about other people and helping others along with their own personal development, but I can no longer ignore the fact that part of my own personal growth has to come from within. I've learned so much during these past few years from other people, and I've had time along the way to internalize it and realize what it means for me. But this summer, instead of being part of an amazing group-journey type of experience, I've had to take more of a path of self-discovery. And it has definitely been interesting.
I'm thankful for this. I'm thankful for all of this. I am thankful for all of the people in my life, and this year I want to push myself to express that more fully. This is the last year that I have in this place with these same people... even if I'm here for graduate school... it will never again feel like this. That's a bit scary, very crazy, but it presents me with a timeline... haha... and I work best under pressure. Every day presents me with another amazing chance, and after this summer that was significantly different than what I was use to, I know that I'm more equipped to seize this year's opportunity.
I think a lot.
Most of what I will remember about this summer will be what was going on in my head. I've had a lot more time to myself than usual, and as a result I've changed a fair amount. I realized today that that change cannot really be quantified. I can't pin down any exact memorable moment or remember how exactly all of this happened. What I do know is that I'm a different person than I was in May.
I've realized some of the ugly things about myself. I've always thought that loving every person fully is a pretty sure way to fulfilling God's will. That can be exhausting. It can be beautiful. And I definitely have not even attempted to do it with some people this summer. While God's will is very complex, and it cannot necessarily be reduced to just love, love definitely plays a powerful role.
I do a much better job of loving people who are different from me than loving people who are like me. This seems contradictory to what normally happens, but this is how it is with me. I find is so easy to overlook the faults of those who are drastically different from me in any way, whether through their appearance, sexual orientation, age, religion, etc. I have recognized this as a definite gift, and I truly feel alive when I spend my time loving these people fully.
But I have a very hard time attributing that same grace and love to those close to me that are similar to me. I recognize that everyone is extremely unique, and that it's hard to quantify exactly what I mean by people that are "similar" to me... but in my head I know exactly the groups that I am talking about. It's not that I blatantly choose not to love them, because that would go against my entire life philosophy... haha... but this summer I've really realized how much I suck at it. Admitting this is a step in the process of learning how to love these people fully as well, but I haven't been pushing myself past that step.
This summer has been slow, yet it feels really weird that it's almost over. Being essentially single for three months has made this process of self-realization even more inevitable. For that, I am thankful in some ways. I know a lot more about my issues, and what I need to work on (even if I'm not ready to work on them yet). I also know a lot more about the gifts that God has given me, and how to use those more effectively. I've never really seen the value of spending time by myself or specifically alone because I am so energized by people. I've always thought a lot, a whole lot actually, but mostly about others' situations, and how I can be more effective in their lives. This summer I've thought more about myself, and how I can be a more effective person over all. There is great value in spending time doing this, and that is something that I've slowly learned. I still would rather be debriefing about other people and helping others along with their own personal development, but I can no longer ignore the fact that part of my own personal growth has to come from within. I've learned so much during these past few years from other people, and I've had time along the way to internalize it and realize what it means for me. But this summer, instead of being part of an amazing group-journey type of experience, I've had to take more of a path of self-discovery. And it has definitely been interesting.
I'm thankful for this. I'm thankful for all of this. I am thankful for all of the people in my life, and this year I want to push myself to express that more fully. This is the last year that I have in this place with these same people... even if I'm here for graduate school... it will never again feel like this. That's a bit scary, very crazy, but it presents me with a timeline... haha... and I work best under pressure. Every day presents me with another amazing chance, and after this summer that was significantly different than what I was use to, I know that I'm more equipped to seize this year's opportunity.
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