You don't want to see my tears, so why are you still standing here just watching me drown?

I'm slightly obsessed with The Wreckers right now... hence the title.


I think a lot.

Most of what I will remember about this summer will be what was going on in my head. I've had a lot more time to myself than usual, and as a result I've changed a fair amount. I realized today that that change cannot really be quantified. I can't pin down any exact memorable moment or remember how exactly all of this happened. What I do know is that I'm a different person than I was in May.

I've realized some of the ugly things about myself. I've always thought that loving every person fully is a pretty sure way to fulfilling God's will. That can be exhausting. It can be beautiful. And I definitely have not even attempted to do it with some people this summer. While God's will is very complex, and it cannot necessarily be reduced to just love, love definitely plays a powerful role.

I do a much better job of loving people who are different from me than loving people who are like me. This seems contradictory to what normally happens, but this is how it is with me. I find is so easy to overlook the faults of those who are drastically different from me in any way, whether through their appearance, sexual orientation, age, religion, etc. I have recognized this as a definite gift, and I truly feel alive when I spend my time loving these people fully.

But I have a very hard time attributing that same grace and love to those close to me that are similar to me. I recognize that everyone is extremely unique, and that it's hard to quantify exactly what I mean by people that are "similar" to me... but in my head I know exactly the groups that I am talking about. It's not that I blatantly choose not to love them, because that would go against my entire life philosophy... haha... but this summer I've really realized how much I suck at it. Admitting this is a step in the process of learning how to love these people fully as well, but I haven't been pushing myself past that step.

This summer has been slow, yet it feels really weird that it's almost over. Being essentially single for three months has made this process of self-realization even more inevitable. For that, I am thankful in some ways. I know a lot more about my issues, and what I need to work on (even if I'm not ready to work on them yet). I also know a lot more about the gifts that God has given me, and how to use those more effectively. I've never really seen the value of spending time by myself or specifically alone because I am so energized by people. I've always thought a lot, a whole lot actually, but mostly about others' situations, and how I can be more effective in their lives. This summer I've thought more about myself, and how I can be a more effective person over all. There is great value in spending time doing this, and that is something that I've slowly learned. I still would rather be debriefing about other people and helping others along with their own personal development, but I can no longer ignore the fact that part of my own personal growth has to come from within. I've learned so much during these past few years from other people, and I've had time along the way to internalize it and realize what it means for me. But this summer, instead of being part of an amazing group-journey type of experience, I've had to take more of a path of self-discovery. And it has definitely been interesting.

I'm thankful for this. I'm thankful for all of this. I am thankful for all of the people in my life, and this year I want to push myself to express that more fully. This is the last year that I have in this place with these same people... even if I'm here for graduate school... it will never again feel like this. That's a bit scary, very crazy, but it presents me with a timeline... haha... and I work best under pressure. Every day presents me with another amazing chance, and after this summer that was significantly different than what I was use to, I know that I'm more equipped to seize this year's opportunity.