A 180... or something like that

Today I have nearly made a 180 compared to how I've been feeling lately about my summer thus far.

All I've really been doing is working at the Orientation office a bit, working out nearly every day, and trying to decide why in the world I stayed in Chapel Hill this summer. I've been here for two summers, and had two amazing experiences, but for the past month (almost) I have not had much to do... and I can't stand that. I haven't met anyone new to learn from. I haven't been challenged at work, and if anything working just makes me more completely frustrated about how the program has changed since it changed me.

My sister's getting married, but the place that we had reserved for the reception is no longer available, so everyone's really upset about that. My mom's best friend just found out that she has breast cancer, making my entire family really worried and concerned for her and just wishing that she didn't have to go through with all of that. My little sister has migraines a lot, and doesn't really get along with my grandmother... all of this making it not so fun to go home.

Since I'm into this pity party for a second... my boyfriend of a year and a half is hundreds of miles away, doing a job that he loves (thankfully), but he has no cell phone service. I've talked to him nearly every single day since our freshman year when we met, with the possible exception of last summer, and even then we did a better job of keeping up with each other. I have talked to him literally once in the past three weeks... and I don't know if that is because he's not really trying, or that he's just that busy... but since I'm really really not busy, it's just making me upset.

I wanted to be abroad this summer. Specifically in Jordan, but Cambodia, South Africa, or basically anywhere would have worked. However a couple of programs slipped through my fingers... and then my sister got engaged so I really didn't feel right about asking for $4-5,000 just for me to have an experience.

I think we all desperately want to know that we are important. Not only do we want to be important to a person or many people, but we want to know that the work we are doing is important. Right now, what I'm doing is a little important... but it doesn't really matter. Anyone else could pretty easily do it, if they have just an ounce of knowledge about the program. I also love love love to be in motion and to have each of my days full of things that need to be done. I know that when I start Duke TIP I'll at least feel a little more important because there will be much more room for personal interaction, and my days will be super long. But for now, this all just pretty much sucks.

Last night I just got sick of wishing away this summer. I made a list of goals to get me through this one last dead week... they pretty much include regular quiet time and working out, and afternoon in my hammock with a book, deep cleaning my room and bathroom, and a little art project.

Senior year lies ahead of me... and I can't even imagine what that is going to mean, but I'm really excited. I really need to value this time as well. My roommates and I have gotten to spend and enormous amount of time together compared to during the school year (we actually managed to watch season 1 of LOST in 1 weekend to catch up). A year from now... we won't all be together. While I feel extremely extremely bored right now... I need to try to understand the magnitude of this being my last summer with all of these girls.

It's 3AM and I wanna go to be-e-ed.

song lyrics.... anyone?

So the orientation office is crazy as usual, but it has provided me once again with a very clear picture of how I've changed since coming to Carolina.

If nothing else, talking to parents and new students on the phone is absolutely hilarious to me. Their fears are far too common, and I know that if I could replay their conversations to them a year from now, they'd be laughing too. Parents love a good personal story, especially about your own orientation experience, while they relay to you why their child needs this or that or to be "squeezed in" to a session because of their own life stories. They're starting to vary their questions slightly, moving from questions about registering for orientation to the orientation itself or other various topics about college.

These few moments help me to stop and reflect about what I was like the summer before I was a freshman. Now it's summer before senior year (yeah, I just said it), and it's been fun looking back a bit to see the full picture as of now.

My favorite story (with a few embellishments of course) to relay to nervous parents is how well my roommate situation turned out freshman year. I give them lines such as, "I went pot-luck, and have now lived with this girl for 3 years. Next summer, I'm a bridesmaid in her wedding with one of our suitemates from freshman year. And the best thing is, my story isn't all that unique."

Well, I obviously have no idea how many potluck roommates from freshman year end up like this, but just to relay that bit of hope is oh-so-helpful. The truth is, I think my story is completely unique because it is out of my random roommate freshman year and our suitemates that most of my close friends derive from (and consequently, my boyfriend). We ordered some bridesmaid dresses tonight, and the couple hours (early morning hours) spent with my roommates reminds me of how very blessed I am to have them in my life.

My other close friends derive directly from working with the orientation office, bringing the pondering full circle. This can also be described as none other than a random chance... me literally seeing a flyer and thinking that it might be cool. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I want senior year to feel just like that... and end up better than I could imagine.

We try so hard to predict our lives, or try so hard not to, and to go with the flow. It's funny how things don't work out. It's also funny how they do.

In limbo.

Summer is here... sort of.

So apparently I can't get a handle on this whole blog thing unless I actually have a lot going on. I will try harder.

Right now, I'm working for the Office of New Student Programs as an office assistant... biding my time before starting my real job. I feel like I'm in limbo, just living day to day and being more excited about the future than I am about this moment. I keep thinking... everything will be super fun in just a couple weeks. I just have to get through this somewhat boring phase, and then summer will really begin.

I realized today that if i keep telling myself, I'm cutting out about three weeks of summer that could be amazing personally and randomly. I thought this summer may be a semi-adventure with a new job and several new friends, but now I'm thinking it may be a lot more about me personally. My last couple of summers in Chapel Hill have been fantastic, but I was surrounded by people the entire time. These were definitely people I loved, and we had an insane amount of fun. I learned a lot about the world and myself as a leader. However, I haven't really just taken a few weeks to rediscover who I am and reflect on who I have become since college began.

I think these next couple weeks will provide me the perfect opportunity to do just that. I'm still pumped about working with Duke TIP when the time comes, but even then I wouldn't be devastated if it ended up just being a cool job and not a life-changing experience. I've been blessed with a lot of those. I think I need a little help with recognizing what a blessing a summer can be that may not be life-changing.

We'll see. Things are almost never what I expect them to be, because God has a much better idea of how to use me and what makes up a great life.