A 180... or something like that

Today I have nearly made a 180 compared to how I've been feeling lately about my summer thus far.

All I've really been doing is working at the Orientation office a bit, working out nearly every day, and trying to decide why in the world I stayed in Chapel Hill this summer. I've been here for two summers, and had two amazing experiences, but for the past month (almost) I have not had much to do... and I can't stand that. I haven't met anyone new to learn from. I haven't been challenged at work, and if anything working just makes me more completely frustrated about how the program has changed since it changed me.

My sister's getting married, but the place that we had reserved for the reception is no longer available, so everyone's really upset about that. My mom's best friend just found out that she has breast cancer, making my entire family really worried and concerned for her and just wishing that she didn't have to go through with all of that. My little sister has migraines a lot, and doesn't really get along with my grandmother... all of this making it not so fun to go home.

Since I'm into this pity party for a second... my boyfriend of a year and a half is hundreds of miles away, doing a job that he loves (thankfully), but he has no cell phone service. I've talked to him nearly every single day since our freshman year when we met, with the possible exception of last summer, and even then we did a better job of keeping up with each other. I have talked to him literally once in the past three weeks... and I don't know if that is because he's not really trying, or that he's just that busy... but since I'm really really not busy, it's just making me upset.

I wanted to be abroad this summer. Specifically in Jordan, but Cambodia, South Africa, or basically anywhere would have worked. However a couple of programs slipped through my fingers... and then my sister got engaged so I really didn't feel right about asking for $4-5,000 just for me to have an experience.

I think we all desperately want to know that we are important. Not only do we want to be important to a person or many people, but we want to know that the work we are doing is important. Right now, what I'm doing is a little important... but it doesn't really matter. Anyone else could pretty easily do it, if they have just an ounce of knowledge about the program. I also love love love to be in motion and to have each of my days full of things that need to be done. I know that when I start Duke TIP I'll at least feel a little more important because there will be much more room for personal interaction, and my days will be super long. But for now, this all just pretty much sucks.

Last night I just got sick of wishing away this summer. I made a list of goals to get me through this one last dead week... they pretty much include regular quiet time and working out, and afternoon in my hammock with a book, deep cleaning my room and bathroom, and a little art project.

Senior year lies ahead of me... and I can't even imagine what that is going to mean, but I'm really excited. I really need to value this time as well. My roommates and I have gotten to spend and enormous amount of time together compared to during the school year (we actually managed to watch season 1 of LOST in 1 weekend to catch up). A year from now... we won't all be together. While I feel extremely extremely bored right now... I need to try to understand the magnitude of this being my last summer with all of these girls.