Today I have nearly made a 180 compared to how I've been feeling lately about my summer thus far.
All I've really been doing is working at the Orientation office a bit, working out nearly every day, and trying to decide why in the world I stayed in Chapel Hill this summer. I've been here for two summers, and had two amazing experiences, but for the past month (almost) I have not had much to do... and I can't stand that. I haven't met anyone new to learn from. I haven't been challenged at work, and if anything working just makes me more completely frustrated about how the program has changed since it changed me.
My sister's getting married, but the place that we had reserved for the reception is no longer available, so everyone's really upset about that. My mom's best friend just found out that she has breast cancer, making my entire family really worried and concerned for her and just wishing that she didn't have to go through with all of that. My little sister has migraines a lot, and doesn't really get along with my grandmother... all of this making it not so fun to go home.
Since I'm into this pity party for a second... my boyfriend of a year and a half is hundreds of miles away, doing a job that he loves (thankfully), but he has no cell phone service. I've talked to him nearly every single day since our freshman year when we met, with the possible exception of last summer, and even then we did a better job of keeping up with each other. I have talked to him literally once in the past three weeks... and I don't know if that is because he's not really trying, or that he's just that busy... but since I'm really really not busy, it's just making me upset.
I wanted to be abroad this summer. Specifically in Jordan, but Cambodia, South Africa, or basically anywhere would have worked. However a couple of programs slipped through my fingers... and then my sister got engaged so I really didn't feel right about asking for $4-5,000 just for me to have an experience.
I think we all desperately want to know that we are important. Not only do we want to be important to a person or many people, but we want to know that the work we are doing is important. Right now, what I'm doing is a little important... but it doesn't really matter. Anyone else could pretty easily do it, if they have just an ounce of knowledge about the program. I also love love love to be in motion and to have each of my days full of things that need to be done. I know that when I start Duke TIP I'll at least feel a little more important because there will be much more room for personal interaction, and my days will be super long. But for now, this all just pretty much sucks.
Last night I just got sick of wishing away this summer. I made a list of goals to get me through this one last dead week... they pretty much include regular quiet time and working out, and afternoon in my hammock with a book, deep cleaning my room and bathroom, and a little art project.
Senior year lies ahead of me... and I can't even imagine what that is going to mean, but I'm really excited. I really need to value this time as well. My roommates and I have gotten to spend and enormous amount of time together compared to during the school year (we actually managed to watch season 1 of LOST in 1 weekend to catch up). A year from now... we won't all be together. While I feel extremely extremely bored right now... I need to try to understand the magnitude of this being my last summer with all of these girls.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Friday, May 26, 2006
It's 3AM and I wanna go to be-e-ed.
song lyrics.... anyone?
So the orientation office is crazy as usual, but it has provided me once again with a very clear picture of how I've changed since coming to Carolina.
If nothing else, talking to parents and new students on the phone is absolutely hilarious to me. Their fears are far too common, and I know that if I could replay their conversations to them a year from now, they'd be laughing too. Parents love a good personal story, especially about your own orientation experience, while they relay to you why their child needs this or that or to be "squeezed in" to a session because of their own life stories. They're starting to vary their questions slightly, moving from questions about registering for orientation to the orientation itself or other various topics about college.
These few moments help me to stop and reflect about what I was like the summer before I was a freshman. Now it's summer before senior year (yeah, I just said it), and it's been fun looking back a bit to see the full picture as of now.
My favorite story (with a few embellishments of course) to relay to nervous parents is how well my roommate situation turned out freshman year. I give them lines such as, "I went pot-luck, and have now lived with this girl for 3 years. Next summer, I'm a bridesmaid in her wedding with one of our suitemates from freshman year. And the best thing is, my story isn't all that unique."
Well, I obviously have no idea how many potluck roommates from freshman year end up like this, but just to relay that bit of hope is oh-so-helpful. The truth is, I think my story is completely unique because it is out of my random roommate freshman year and our suitemates that most of my close friends derive from (and consequently, my boyfriend). We ordered some bridesmaid dresses tonight, and the couple hours (early morning hours) spent with my roommates reminds me of how very blessed I am to have them in my life.
My other close friends derive directly from working with the orientation office, bringing the pondering full circle. This can also be described as none other than a random chance... me literally seeing a flyer and thinking that it might be cool. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I want senior year to feel just like that... and end up better than I could imagine.
We try so hard to predict our lives, or try so hard not to, and to go with the flow. It's funny how things don't work out. It's also funny how they do.
So the orientation office is crazy as usual, but it has provided me once again with a very clear picture of how I've changed since coming to Carolina.
If nothing else, talking to parents and new students on the phone is absolutely hilarious to me. Their fears are far too common, and I know that if I could replay their conversations to them a year from now, they'd be laughing too. Parents love a good personal story, especially about your own orientation experience, while they relay to you why their child needs this or that or to be "squeezed in" to a session because of their own life stories. They're starting to vary their questions slightly, moving from questions about registering for orientation to the orientation itself or other various topics about college.
These few moments help me to stop and reflect about what I was like the summer before I was a freshman. Now it's summer before senior year (yeah, I just said it), and it's been fun looking back a bit to see the full picture as of now.
My favorite story (with a few embellishments of course) to relay to nervous parents is how well my roommate situation turned out freshman year. I give them lines such as, "I went pot-luck, and have now lived with this girl for 3 years. Next summer, I'm a bridesmaid in her wedding with one of our suitemates from freshman year. And the best thing is, my story isn't all that unique."
Well, I obviously have no idea how many potluck roommates from freshman year end up like this, but just to relay that bit of hope is oh-so-helpful. The truth is, I think my story is completely unique because it is out of my random roommate freshman year and our suitemates that most of my close friends derive from (and consequently, my boyfriend). We ordered some bridesmaid dresses tonight, and the couple hours (early morning hours) spent with my roommates reminds me of how very blessed I am to have them in my life.
My other close friends derive directly from working with the orientation office, bringing the pondering full circle. This can also be described as none other than a random chance... me literally seeing a flyer and thinking that it might be cool. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I want senior year to feel just like that... and end up better than I could imagine.
We try so hard to predict our lives, or try so hard not to, and to go with the flow. It's funny how things don't work out. It's also funny how they do.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
In limbo.
Summer is here... sort of.
So apparently I can't get a handle on this whole blog thing unless I actually have a lot going on. I will try harder.
Right now, I'm working for the Office of New Student Programs as an office assistant... biding my time before starting my real job. I feel like I'm in limbo, just living day to day and being more excited about the future than I am about this moment. I keep thinking... everything will be super fun in just a couple weeks. I just have to get through this somewhat boring phase, and then summer will really begin.
I realized today that if i keep telling myself, I'm cutting out about three weeks of summer that could be amazing personally and randomly. I thought this summer may be a semi-adventure with a new job and several new friends, but now I'm thinking it may be a lot more about me personally. My last couple of summers in Chapel Hill have been fantastic, but I was surrounded by people the entire time. These were definitely people I loved, and we had an insane amount of fun. I learned a lot about the world and myself as a leader. However, I haven't really just taken a few weeks to rediscover who I am and reflect on who I have become since college began.
I think these next couple weeks will provide me the perfect opportunity to do just that. I'm still pumped about working with Duke TIP when the time comes, but even then I wouldn't be devastated if it ended up just being a cool job and not a life-changing experience. I've been blessed with a lot of those. I think I need a little help with recognizing what a blessing a summer can be that may not be life-changing.
We'll see. Things are almost never what I expect them to be, because God has a much better idea of how to use me and what makes up a great life.
So apparently I can't get a handle on this whole blog thing unless I actually have a lot going on. I will try harder.
Right now, I'm working for the Office of New Student Programs as an office assistant... biding my time before starting my real job. I feel like I'm in limbo, just living day to day and being more excited about the future than I am about this moment. I keep thinking... everything will be super fun in just a couple weeks. I just have to get through this somewhat boring phase, and then summer will really begin.
I realized today that if i keep telling myself, I'm cutting out about three weeks of summer that could be amazing personally and randomly. I thought this summer may be a semi-adventure with a new job and several new friends, but now I'm thinking it may be a lot more about me personally. My last couple of summers in Chapel Hill have been fantastic, but I was surrounded by people the entire time. These were definitely people I loved, and we had an insane amount of fun. I learned a lot about the world and myself as a leader. However, I haven't really just taken a few weeks to rediscover who I am and reflect on who I have become since college began.
I think these next couple weeks will provide me the perfect opportunity to do just that. I'm still pumped about working with Duke TIP when the time comes, but even then I wouldn't be devastated if it ended up just being a cool job and not a life-changing experience. I've been blessed with a lot of those. I think I need a little help with recognizing what a blessing a summer can be that may not be life-changing.
We'll see. Things are almost never what I expect them to be, because God has a much better idea of how to use me and what makes up a great life.
Friday, April 28, 2006
My Skills...
Mom always told me that I should be a lawyer because I could argue with a post. As a political science and history double major, arguing a point has been very useful. It is essential to create and develop a very clear argument, while still having an understanding of what opposition you may face.
Arguing is definitely a skill. But, not all skills are good (such as being a good liar...). I have recently rediscovered that my particular technique of arguing does not need to be used within personal relationships.
Apparently, recently pointed out by James, I am incredibly good at driving home a point. However, this usually comes at the expense of listening to someone else's point, or undercutting their argument, or interrupting, or just manipulating any situation to fit my argument. Now, I'm incredibly sweet most of the time (haha... I am!), but I also really like to be right.
The problem with all of this, other than the unhealthy benefits of being able to manipulate most anything, is that I don't contain this skill to academics or mere political debate. I also don't use them on just anyone, because I constantly assess what's going on to make sure everyone is comfortable. This leaves the people that are closest to me to bear the brunt of my need to make a point. I put my blinders on, and stop considering how what I'm saying will really affect them.
Obviously, this is not good. While it's good to discuss something and see where other people are coming from, this style of conversation needs to happen with me no matter who I am with. It's really not very fair or useful for me to argue in the way that I'm use to or good at. The care that I take with other random people's feelings needs to apply to everyone in my life, not just those I am trying to get to know better, etc.
This is something I really really need to consider and be aware of, and essentially stop doing in personal relationships. I love personal growth, but I don't necessarily like working on things that are wrong with me. I know that this is an incredible contradiction, and probably another thing that I need to work on... haha.
However, let's just take this stuff one thing at a time...
Arguing is definitely a skill. But, not all skills are good (such as being a good liar...). I have recently rediscovered that my particular technique of arguing does not need to be used within personal relationships.
Apparently, recently pointed out by James, I am incredibly good at driving home a point. However, this usually comes at the expense of listening to someone else's point, or undercutting their argument, or interrupting, or just manipulating any situation to fit my argument. Now, I'm incredibly sweet most of the time (haha... I am!), but I also really like to be right.
The problem with all of this, other than the unhealthy benefits of being able to manipulate most anything, is that I don't contain this skill to academics or mere political debate. I also don't use them on just anyone, because I constantly assess what's going on to make sure everyone is comfortable. This leaves the people that are closest to me to bear the brunt of my need to make a point. I put my blinders on, and stop considering how what I'm saying will really affect them.
Obviously, this is not good. While it's good to discuss something and see where other people are coming from, this style of conversation needs to happen with me no matter who I am with. It's really not very fair or useful for me to argue in the way that I'm use to or good at. The care that I take with other random people's feelings needs to apply to everyone in my life, not just those I am trying to get to know better, etc.
This is something I really really need to consider and be aware of, and essentially stop doing in personal relationships. I love personal growth, but I don't necessarily like working on things that are wrong with me. I know that this is an incredible contradiction, and probably another thing that I need to work on... haha.
However, let's just take this stuff one thing at a time...
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Nicknames
So I was planning on making this space just a space for me to be eloquent and come to amazing conclusions... but that is going out the window for at least this posting.
When I was little... I really really really wanted a nickname. I called Carrie (my older sister) Bubba, because I couldn't say 'sister.' It just sort of ended up sticking. Now I still call my little sister 'Missy-lou,' although I have no idea why. My parents actually called me 'Emikins,' and I still don't know why.
But I wanted a really cool nickname from my really cool friends. It's probably partially because Emily is such a common and pretty much boring name. Even if someone wanted to call me 'Emmie' or 'Em,' usually some other girl already had that as her nickname.
I still think nicknames are a very very cool thing. Names are somewhat personalized, although with the whole Freakonomics study and the craze in baby-naming books, websites, etc, I'm not so sure how much they really truly mean to a person. Parents don't necessarily use the naming process as a time to express individuality (well... most parents). But nicknames are entirely spontaneous and deeply personal. They form because of some crazy event or connection between a couple people, and continue until you have no idea why they started. They actually represent something, or they don't represent anything, and that's why they're fun and fabulous.
I have acquired a few random nicknames throughout high school and college. Justin Parks dubbed me 'Liz' because he thought my middle name was Elizabeth for a long time. This is probably because Julie, Beth, and I convinced him that it was... but whatever. For as long as I can remember Ben has called me 'Emiliii,' although I'm not really sure where that one came from. Boyfriends have called me various things, some I will not mention, but Charlie called me 'Pinky' for a while, and I obviously liked that one.
For now, Lindsey ('Loubird') definitely calls me 'Em,' but in a way that is not boring... mostly in a loud and excited-to-see-me tone. Kareemah calls me 'Shimmer,' either for my love of shimmer lotion or my love of shimmy-ing in the cabaret. Nick Harper still calls me 'Em-Bag-star,' and that makes me smile because it's highly ridiculous.
It takes a certain kind of relationship with a person and spontaneity to develop nicknames, and I think that is absolutely fabulous. I think nicknames are incredibly useful and incredibly fun, and random ones should be used often and always.
When I was little... I really really really wanted a nickname. I called Carrie (my older sister) Bubba, because I couldn't say 'sister.' It just sort of ended up sticking. Now I still call my little sister 'Missy-lou,' although I have no idea why. My parents actually called me 'Emikins,' and I still don't know why.
But I wanted a really cool nickname from my really cool friends. It's probably partially because Emily is such a common and pretty much boring name. Even if someone wanted to call me 'Emmie' or 'Em,' usually some other girl already had that as her nickname.
I still think nicknames are a very very cool thing. Names are somewhat personalized, although with the whole Freakonomics study and the craze in baby-naming books, websites, etc, I'm not so sure how much they really truly mean to a person. Parents don't necessarily use the naming process as a time to express individuality (well... most parents). But nicknames are entirely spontaneous and deeply personal. They form because of some crazy event or connection between a couple people, and continue until you have no idea why they started. They actually represent something, or they don't represent anything, and that's why they're fun and fabulous.
I have acquired a few random nicknames throughout high school and college. Justin Parks dubbed me 'Liz' because he thought my middle name was Elizabeth for a long time. This is probably because Julie, Beth, and I convinced him that it was... but whatever. For as long as I can remember Ben has called me 'Emiliii,' although I'm not really sure where that one came from. Boyfriends have called me various things, some I will not mention, but Charlie called me 'Pinky' for a while, and I obviously liked that one.
For now, Lindsey ('Loubird') definitely calls me 'Em,' but in a way that is not boring... mostly in a loud and excited-to-see-me tone. Kareemah calls me 'Shimmer,' either for my love of shimmer lotion or my love of shimmy-ing in the cabaret. Nick Harper still calls me 'Em-Bag-star,' and that makes me smile because it's highly ridiculous.
It takes a certain kind of relationship with a person and spontaneity to develop nicknames, and I think that is absolutely fabulous. I think nicknames are incredibly useful and incredibly fun, and random ones should be used often and always.
Monday, April 24, 2006
And time is on your side
its on your side, now
Not pushing you down, and all around,
No it's no cause for concern
~coldplay
Clearly, for some reason, this is how I always feel during exams. It's some kind of reverse pressure. Freshman year, at least first semester, I was a little more freaked out. But by now, I know that I always get things done and that this semester won't be any different.
I have a lot to do this week... I mean a lot. I could have helped myself out by doing some work early during last week, or at least this weekend. Instead, I read a 700 page book for fun (I am Charlotte Simmons) last week, spent each night lingering after my various meetings to talk to people, shopped with my mom on Friday, and basically did anything I wanted to all weekend.
I did get a little stressed when I realized today was Monday, but now I'm feeling great. I'm glad that I've learned to be at peace about this, even when it's completely my fault for not getting things done early.
I enjoy exam time. It really has a way of bringing people together, and random things inevitably happen. I'm a little more than excited to see what these next couple weeks bring.
Not pushing you down, and all around,
No it's no cause for concern
~coldplay
Clearly, for some reason, this is how I always feel during exams. It's some kind of reverse pressure. Freshman year, at least first semester, I was a little more freaked out. But by now, I know that I always get things done and that this semester won't be any different.
I have a lot to do this week... I mean a lot. I could have helped myself out by doing some work early during last week, or at least this weekend. Instead, I read a 700 page book for fun (I am Charlotte Simmons) last week, spent each night lingering after my various meetings to talk to people, shopped with my mom on Friday, and basically did anything I wanted to all weekend.
I did get a little stressed when I realized today was Monday, but now I'm feeling great. I'm glad that I've learned to be at peace about this, even when it's completely my fault for not getting things done early.
I enjoy exam time. It really has a way of bringing people together, and random things inevitably happen. I'm a little more than excited to see what these next couple weeks bring.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
I love incoming freshmen...
This comes as no surprise to those of you who really know me. But I love freshmen. I love everything about the freshman experience. And I love to be the one to try to explain the awesomeness of this place and calm all of the fears that every freshman has. I love being the one with the answers and sharing them with those who are so desperate to know everything. That's why I've devoted two summers (and a couple years actually) of my life to freshman orientation, week of welcome, etc.
Last night I got to relive a bit of my orientation leader experience yet again. A girl who went to high school with Lindsey spent the night with us last night. Her name is Emily, and she'll be a freshman in the fall. I look at her and instantly remember how I felt three years ago, just before high school graduation. She seemed excited, but I know that half of that is because you know you're supposed to seem excited. The number one thing she's worried about is her roommate. I think of what a fiasco all of that was summer before my freshman year, but how amazing my roommate situation ended up being. Lindsey and I relayed a few horror stories and how to get out of a roommate you don't like, but mostly I got to tell her my story, of randomly rooming with a girl from CTOPS. I'm now going to be in her wedding next summer, along with a girl from our suite freshman year that we still live with. And the thing about it is that our story is not really uncommon.
I love the look of relief that washes over someone's face when you just talk to them about how great it's really going to be. Emily has no idea what is in store for her for the next four years. Change is incredibly hard, but as I've gotten older (haha now the mature age of 20), I've realized how necessary it is and how amazing it can be. I think of myself three years ago, and pretty much laugh at her. At what I believed, at my fears, and at my own plan for college. God has taken me an incredible distance from where I thought I wanted to be. And he has certainly blessed me in that. I've seen that a little more this weekend, spending two great nights with two incredibly different groups of people. Both have taught me so much... the group that I thought I would be comfortable with a few years ago, and the group that I may not have ever known if it weren't for the crazy path God decided to take me on. I'm glad I never really fought it. Because he knows a heck of a lot more than I do about what's best for me.
Hopefully knowing that will make it easier not to fight it in the future. We have one mere week left of class, and then college as I know it will definitely change. Yes, I will be a senior (craziness... pure craziness), but mostly, some of my closest friends will be miles and miles away. I can't wait to have a real reunion with those people, after they've been gone for a while, and see what God has done in their lives. But for right now, I'm just not sure I'm ready for them to be gone from my every day life.
I adore outgoing seniors...
Last night I got to relive a bit of my orientation leader experience yet again. A girl who went to high school with Lindsey spent the night with us last night. Her name is Emily, and she'll be a freshman in the fall. I look at her and instantly remember how I felt three years ago, just before high school graduation. She seemed excited, but I know that half of that is because you know you're supposed to seem excited. The number one thing she's worried about is her roommate. I think of what a fiasco all of that was summer before my freshman year, but how amazing my roommate situation ended up being. Lindsey and I relayed a few horror stories and how to get out of a roommate you don't like, but mostly I got to tell her my story, of randomly rooming with a girl from CTOPS. I'm now going to be in her wedding next summer, along with a girl from our suite freshman year that we still live with. And the thing about it is that our story is not really uncommon.
I love the look of relief that washes over someone's face when you just talk to them about how great it's really going to be. Emily has no idea what is in store for her for the next four years. Change is incredibly hard, but as I've gotten older (haha now the mature age of 20), I've realized how necessary it is and how amazing it can be. I think of myself three years ago, and pretty much laugh at her. At what I believed, at my fears, and at my own plan for college. God has taken me an incredible distance from where I thought I wanted to be. And he has certainly blessed me in that. I've seen that a little more this weekend, spending two great nights with two incredibly different groups of people. Both have taught me so much... the group that I thought I would be comfortable with a few years ago, and the group that I may not have ever known if it weren't for the crazy path God decided to take me on. I'm glad I never really fought it. Because he knows a heck of a lot more than I do about what's best for me.
Hopefully knowing that will make it easier not to fight it in the future. We have one mere week left of class, and then college as I know it will definitely change. Yes, I will be a senior (craziness... pure craziness), but mostly, some of my closest friends will be miles and miles away. I can't wait to have a real reunion with those people, after they've been gone for a while, and see what God has done in their lives. But for right now, I'm just not sure I'm ready for them to be gone from my every day life.
I adore outgoing seniors...
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